Week 1 of having a heart...
Sometimes I look back on those days with a hint of jealousy. Who knew what filling my hollow chest would cost? What kind of idiot wants a heart anyway? The scarecrow wanted brains - showing he was already a genius. The lion wanted courage - that would have made sense. Me? I wanted a heart. I wanted to feel.
Week 2
I'm not sure I thought this all the way through. Standing in the forest rusting solid seemed like a terrible fate. When I was found they oiled my joints. I could move, dance, walk, even work. I had companions and a yellow brick adventure.
Why wasn't I satisfied with that?
Week 3
What was I thinking? Maybe it was too many movies or poems or songs. Whatever it was, I dared to believe in what a complete rush it would be to feel what I was observing. I could be more than just a working stiff (get it?). I could be human. I could love, celebrate, laugh, cry, dance because I felt it...yes, a heart. That's what I wanted.
Idiot!
Week 4
I was thinking about Dorothy today. It was the day that Dorothy left that I really got a taste of the decision I made. When I was just empty - I knew it was empty and thought it should be filled - but it didn't really hurt. When my hollow can of a chest HAS been filled and then experiences loss...that is a whole other story. I shed a tear when the crowd was around, but when I got back to my room I cried all night. The pain just stayed there like a axe stuck in the trunk of a redwood. I wondered if it would ever stop.
It hasn't
Week 5
The weeks following this "heart plant" have just gotten worse. Insults have nicked it, hope seemed to stretch it - making it more fragile, memories haunted it. I've had enough. I feel tricked by the wizard. I wanted to feel good things...but this heart seems to just feel bad. I want to go back to the forest and rust. I just want the pain to stop.
God, I miss Dorothy. I know she had to go home and I had to stay and take care of OZ...but I'm just so sad.
Week 6
The Lion came over today. It's been a week since I've gotten out of bed. He just sat with me and talked with me. He told me stories of his adventures. It seems that this courage thing really has taken hold. He's done amazing things and made a lot of peoples lives better. Some of his stories made me laugh. I'm feeling something different today. I feel like I want to join him.
Is this courage? My heart feels stronger. Maybe I'll get dressed today.
I still miss Dorothy. But I'm glad she is happy.
Week 7
I saw Scarecrow in a village that Lion and I had rescued from a dragon. He couldn't be there during the battle (for obvious reasons), but was there to help with the rebuilding process. He just has a mind for that sort of thing. Really, he has a mind for every sort of thing. Even with his busy schedule he took the time to visit with an old friend.
We talked about old times. I told him that I might have made a wrong decision about the heart thing. I was just in pain all of the time. I told him that gaining courage from the lion was helping a little. At least I was using myself for the good of others rather than just wallowing in my loss.
He said some amazing things. I knew he was smart, but I had no idea. He just told me things that were true. He reminded me about the good things in my life...he called it a "blessing count". He walked with me through my hurt.
Week 8
I wake up every day now reminding myself of what I know is true. The knowledge of truth gives my heart a reason to hope. The courage from the lion makes me dare to believe in the future. I still carry the hurt - but I'm starting to be able to do more than just hurt.
I still miss her. That hasn't stopped. I realize that having courage and hope doesn't stop you from hurting...it just helps you celebrate the love that you have been able to experience, believe that love will find you again, and go chase after opportunities to love outside of yourself.
I'm getting better.
Week 9
DOROTHY CAME TODAY!!! I cried, laughed, danced, sang, and held her so tight she couldn't breathe. I never want to let her go. It was so worth waiting for. My chest is exploding like fireworks! She is more beautiful than I remember...her smile makes the emerald city look like brick tenement. I guess it's good to have a heart after all - without the capacity for the pain I could never have known such joy.
The journey was worth it.
There is no place like home.
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